Ok, so yesterday I, along with billions of couch potatoes worldwide who also had nothing better to do, watched in amazement at the closing ceremony of the Olympics in Beijing. Flipping acrobats, world-class dancers, hundreds of sparkling, smiling and singing Chinese ladies along with fireworks that would make Guy Fawkes soil his pants brought an end to the 16-day-long 40 billion pounds worth of record-breaking Olympic TV gold. With the disappearance of the symbolic flame came what was advertised as an ‘18 minutes preview of the 2012 Olympics’, which just happens to be located in our capital city of London. After unsurprisingly unspectacular speeches from the Olympic officials, and a recognizable theme tune we call the national anthem, Boris Johnson, London Mayor, was handed the Olympic flag. Looking characteristically scruffy with an unbuttoned blazer and pot belly showing, he awkwardly struggled to hold onto the pole whilst spontaneously combusting. The camera, zooming out from Boris’ unzipped flies, then panned across to the 2012 London Olympics logo; simultaneously causing thousands of epileptic fits worldwide. Ouch.
British viewers in particular were waiting with baited breath: what would London organizers do to top the Chinese’s efforts? Synchronized explosions? Jaw-dropping death-defying stunts? Remote controlled alien gymnasts with webbed feet? Unfortunately not. We got a London double decker bus. You ‘eard. A blood-red double decker fucking bus. The Chinese are still laughing now.
But this was not a normal London bus. After 5 minutes of waiting it would open up, sort of. And what would come out of it? ‘Some girl who won x-factor and a 60-year-old guitarist’, not my words, Huw Edward’s in fact. Accompanying Leona something or other was some bopping hoodies and a guy in a wheelchair, holding an umbrella. Because buses and umbrella’s are so London. You know in those Remmel beauty ads you see on TV? What Kate Moss really means when she says “get the London look” is to go on a bus with an umbrella. Yeah! Put that in your pipe and smoke it Beijing.
Am I being naive? See I thought most people hated public transport. Never on time, downright rude bus drivers and that’s not even mentioning the chavs on the back of the bus blasting 50 pence and shizzle-mizzle tizzle out of their ipods and smoking spliffs. And as for umbrella’s, what does that symbolize? -Bad Weather, that’s what. Nuff said.
Finishing off the less than jaw-dropping 18 minutes was the less than jaw dropping David Beckham. What’s he gonna do?! I hear you gasp – Kick a football that’s what. What else was you expecting you fool? Oh and there was some girl in her undies playing a violin. Don’t ask.
So, as you may have guessed, I was not over-impressed with London’s 18 minutes of fame. They can’t organize a piss up in a brewery those guys.